And we're back to reality

So, first things first. Christmas was great. Christmas Eve we finished up our last minute shopping (just in time-the one store was locking the doors as we were checking out!)...then headed over to the in-laws to spend some time with Kelly's parents and his grandma who was in town for the holiday. Had dinner there and then we were off to Christmas Eve mass. Afterwards, we drove out to see a local guy's huge Christmas light display, timed to music and everything. Interesting....not sit in front of this guy's house for a half hour with 5 full grown people in the car like we did interesting...but whatever, neither of us were the driver so we didn't have much control...and it entertained Kelly's grandma (which I think was the point?).
Christmas Day, we slept in (ahhhh), listened to Christmas music while we opened our stockings and gifts to each other and had a leisurely Christmas breakfast. The morning was wonderful...exactly what I was hoping for :) Then we headed outside to give the heifers their "Christmas meal" (same as everyday, but they're cattle, they don't know the difference, haha) and came in, got cleaned up, gathered our gifts and headed over to the in-laws. OH...but not before shutting the furnace off b/c the fan kept kicking on and off every 30 seconds or so, plus it smelled funny and we were a little concerned about whether our house would still be standing when we returned home if we had left it on. For the first time EVER, we were not the last ones to arrive at the in-laws for Christmas day. Kelly's sister having a baby worked to our advantage that way, as obviously the baby slowed down their traveling time a bit. We had a nice day over there...opened presents, had dinner, etc. We got some great stuff, even a few baby items, which was really fun :) The rest of the weekend was mostly spent on misc. things around the house and farm, along with some relaxing thrown in...and a trip to Columbus on Saturday to pick up the two antique dressers I had bought on e-bay (one for our room and one for the baby's room as a dresser/changing table) and go to Babies R Us to register. Oh my. Talk about exhausting. Too many decisions/choices in one day. But we got it all done, thankfully and even treated ourselves to dinner at Olive Garden :) All in all, an enjoyable Christmas and long weekend.

So...remember how we shut our furnace off on Christmas day b/c it was acting funny? Well, luckily, when we moved in 3 years ago, we installed a wood burner that hooks right into the ductwork, as a sort of supplemental heat. So we had been using that to keep our house warm and cozy while our furnace was off. Tuesday morning was the soonest somebody could come out...and guess what they told us when they did come out. Our furnace (which granted, was probably 20-30 years old) is shot. Oh joy. So now we get to buy a new furnace! Fun stuff. On the upside, we'd been wanting to put in a high-efficiency furnace, as I'm sure we are essentially throwing money out the window with the old one we have...but still. We weren't really planning on shelling out thousands of dollars at the moment. So now we have the fun task of getting estimates and then of course finding the extra $$ to get this thing installed.

And for added fun, I've noticed some extreme sensitivity-not quite pain persay-in one tooth. I keep hoping it'll go away, but its been there since Monday, not constant, usually just when I'm outside in the cold, or when I do something like I did this morning, flip my head down while doing my hair, any sort of quick jolt gets me a feeling of, um, that's not right. It doesn't hurt to touch or anything, or when I brush my teeth, or even when I eat anything, its just this weird sensitivity. I'm debating on whether its worthy of a call to the dentist. I'm just paranoid its something major...and um...how do you do major dental work to a woman who's 6 months pregnant? That makes me a bit nervous. Oh, did I mention Kelly's glasses broke the other day too? Yep, he super-glued them back together b/c he hates wearing his contacts. So new glasses are apparently going to need to be in the budget soon too.

Like I said...back to reality.

Happy New Year! :)

Merry Christmas!!

Just a quickie to say I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday, where ever you are and whatever you may be doing.

I'm getting off of work early today, probably picking up the last two gifts with Kelly (yep, when you wait on your husband for ideas, you end up shopping on Christmas Eve) and then we'll be off to Christmas Eve mass. Tomorrow will be our Christmas just the two of us in the morning, then feeding all the cattle as quickly as we can and off to the in-laws for Christmas with them in the afternoon. I'm sure it will be a bit of a whirlwind, it always is...good thing I have Friday off!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Family Fun

Christmas #1, done and successful! We went up to my parents' house on Friday night for our family Christmas, it was such a fun weekend. We started out by surprising my parents. They weren't expecting us until Saturday, but we called them about 10:00 Friday night to say we were about an hour and a half away. We knew we'd probably come up Friday night, but didn't want to get anyone's hopes up in case something came up (as it so often does). It was a great way to start the weekend! My sister, her husband and their 3 boys were already there too, so we got to spend some time with the boys on Saturday morning before the real chaos began. My brother, his wife and their two boys came Saturday afternoon, as did our grandma and uncle. Once everyone was there, it became pretty chaotic, but with 5 boys between the age of 3 and 8, I guess you'll have that, right? Speaking of the boys...come May, there'll be at least one more! My sister-in-law, due in May, is having another boy! That makes six nephews! WOW!

Anyway, the rest of the day was great...everybody seemed like they had a really good time. Remember how I was worried about the possibility of tension or someone snapping at someone else? All for nothing, because it all went really well. I am SO happy. It was really fun and I am so glad we could all get together this Christmas.

And bonus...we got some really great gifts too. I think my favorite was actually a gift for the baby from my parents. Its this super soft stuffed lamb that you attach to the crib, or set nearby, and it will play one of four sounds, mother's heartbeat, waves, and two other things that I can't remember right now. It has a little timer so it can play for like 25 or 45 minutes, to help your little one fall asleep. My sister's boys each have something similar, only theirs are little aquariums with "fishies" in them and they all love theirs...so I was planning on getting something like this for my baby too. But this stuffed lamb is even better than anything I'd seen. And now that we are actually getting things for the baby, I'm getting even MORE excited to get everything set up in his/her room. I was brainstorming and daydreaming on our way home on Sunday about the baby's room...so I have lots of good ideas now! :)

Now we're halfway through the workweek, which is great and I'm looking forward to the four-day weekend and Christmas #2 (Kelly and me) and Christmas #3 ( the in-laws). I'm hoping I can shake this sore throat and congestion that appeared last night out of nowhere before Christmas....we'll see. Its not much fun, I'll tell you that much.

Oh, and dry cows are coming today. So begins the busy winter season. Its always something!

Bittersweet Christmas

Today is December 17th. I know that date doesn't mean anything to most people. But to me, it will always have significance. Today is the day our first baby would have been due. That baby never had a name, we used to call him (I was convinced it was a boy) whatever "fruit" he was the size of each week. The last name we had for him was Blueberry...so in my mind, that has sort of stuck. Blueberry would have been born this week. Or maybe he would already be here. We would have an extra stocking hung for him. I probably wouldn't be baking cookies this week because I'd either be uncomfortably pregnant or I'd have a newborn taking up all my time. I'd probably be on maternity leave, or close to it. My family would be coming to us because we'd have a newborn, rather than us going up there this weekend. We'd have TWO babies at my in-laws on Christmas day, our niece and our own little one. We'd be having our first Christmas as a family of three. But Blueberry is having his first Christmas in heaven. And we are having Christmas as a family of two. And that's okay. It is. Because next Christmas, God willing, we'll have an 8 month old baby. I am THRILLED that I am 24 weeks pregnant today. I would not trade this baby inside of me for anything. I don't want anyone to think, for even one minute, that I am anything but so incredibly grateful for this life, this absolute miracle, that I have inside me. But at the same time, the thought keeps occurring to me...we could have had a baby already for this Christmas. I find myself wanting to include Wigglie (our baby) in Christmas...I want to acknowledge that we are almost a family of 3. And I don't know if that is out of a desire to sort of "make up" for the fact that at one point we thought we'd have an "outside baby" this Christmas...or if its just truly out of my excitement that Wigglie will be a part of our family soon. I like to think its just out of pure excitement, and impatience for NEXT Christmas, when we will have a little one crawling around, playing with wrapping paper, watching the lights. But when I'm honest with myself I know its partly because I have this little feeling that something is missing this Christmas. This holiday season is much less painful than I expected it to be. And I know that is all thanks to Wigglie, who is growing strong, kicking momma everyday and who we love with ALL our hearts. I'm enjoying Christmas, the season that I have always loved...its just a little bittersweet this year.

Stuck in the middle

So I just got off the phone with my brother. And for the millionth time in the past 10-12 years or so, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. Quick backstory, and I'll try not to go into too much detail b/c its a long and complicated situation and I know you don't want to be reading all day. Basically, my brother and his wife have gone through at least three periods of not speaking with my parents and my sister and her husband. At some point its been at least partly the fault of each of the 6 people involved. Its practically impossible to determine why exactly things fell apart between them all originally or even why they seem to now have greatly improved. To sort of sum it up, at its worst, I used to have to make separate plans of my own to visit my brother's family at holidays...even though they live only 10 minutes from my parents, they wouldn't speak to each other let alone be in the same room. I even had to take pictures of my youngest nephew and e-mail them to my mother so that she could see her grandchild for the first time. It just has been a bad situation. And somehow through it all, I have been like Switzerland...the neutral party. Which is good, in that, I have never had to be without any member of my family in my life...but hard in that, both sides of the situation feel like I am a safe person to vent to about the other side. Now, for the past 2 years or so, everyone has been getting along pretty well. Really well, actually. And I have been thrilled. We can have entire family get-togethers. I haven't had to hear any complaints (or at least not many) from one side about the other side. I have been hopeful that maybe, just maybe, we could put all the fighting, not speaking, and tension behind us and be oh, I don't know, a regular family? And now we get to today. This weekend we are having our family Christmas. I have been SO excited about this because last year we didn't get the entire family together for Christmas (no bad reason, schedules just didn't work out), and I am just so looking forward to everybody being together, giving gifts, enjoying the Christmas spirit and enjoying time together. But tonight, my brother calls me to find out when we are driving up there. Apparently my mom won't "schedule" anything b/c they don't know when we are coming (doesn't matter that I told them we'd be there by lunch on Saturday at the latest). So I explained to him when we'd likely be there and we could probably do the "official" get together in the early afternoon. I probably sounded a little frustrated, due to the whole getting a guilt trip on not spending enough time up there from my parents (balancing family and the farm...a story for a whole other post). Well, that let loose the 'vents' from my brother. How mom never feeds them when they're over there (in her defense, J, my brother's oldest is the pickiest eater known to man...in my brother's defense though, why would your mother not offer you any food when you're there at dinnertime?). How my brother's wife even brought a loaf of some sort of quickbread over last time, and mom promptly put it in the kitchen and didn't open it. (what? that is sort of weird I have to admit). How every year at Christmas, my sister's boys open all their presents from our parents before my brother's family even gets there. How he knows, and he's afraid that soon J will figure it out too, that its because mom and dad get my sister's boys more stuff than they get my brother's boys. And unfortunately, this is probably true...they have a tendency to favor my sister's boys...but in their defense, my sister and her boys have been consistent in my parents lives...my brother and his family has not. However, now that my brother is "back in the picture"...favoritism between the grandkids should not be happening. But here's my thing. This is where I'm "stuck in the middle". I know all this now. I know my brother is obviously frustrated by all of this. I see his point, I understand his frustration. And now I worry. I worry that this is the beginning of the end. That something is going to snap in the delicate threads that are holding the family together. I want to make my parents realize that they are still acting like their son and their daughters are different....like they favor us over him...that my brother is not stupid and he sees this, that my nephew is not stupid and he is going to see it soon enough, that walking on eggshells around them, even after 2 years of getting along, is not HELPING ANYTHING. If anything, it is making things harder...its reminding everyone that no, things aren't quite "right"...we are all still terrified that everything is going to fall apart, and in my opinion, makes things even more likely to fall apart. They need to treat us all equally, forgive past "sins", let the past GO. But here's where it gets even stickier. I can't tell anyone in my family any of this. I can't tell my parents any of those things, I can't even tell my sister and try to get her help in maybe hinting or somehow getting my parents to realize they need to be more "equal". My sister holds grudges and will take any chance she gets to criticize my brother, so I can't talk to her. My dad is stubborn (like my sister) and I think he still has a sort of "wall" up when it comes to my brother. And my mom is stressed because of Christmas and easily upset...so bringing it up to her would definitely only make things worse. So now I feel like I am stuck with this information. I am so afraid that these are the beginnings of the "straw that broke the camel's back" and feel like I should DO something to fix/prevent it. But what? And how? And maybe my brother was just venting and I should just not worry about it. Maybe its no big deal. I am sure the pregnancy hormones are not helping in this situation. I just feel stuck. Like I know something bad could be coming...but I can't prevent it, b/c if I try to, I might just make things worse. Stuck in the middle. Again. Because I didn't have enough weighing on my mind and my heart this week. Tomorrow is the due date of our first baby. Again, a topic for a whole other post. And this one is long enough. If you've read this long, thanks. I guess all I'm asking for prayers that my family can stick together...and maybe advice, if anybody has it. Because I'm just stuck on this one. :(

Being the grown-ups

So I had a realization this morning. I got up early so I could get some bills paid before I went to work, and as we were sitting there talking about which bills to pay and which ones to wait until our next grain check, I realized it. WE are the grown-ups. We are the ones that have to deal with bills, house issues, vehicles, organizing LIFE, and just making sure that our children never have to worry about all these things. I thought back to when I was a kid. I don't recall a time where I ever worried about money, bills, etc. It just worked, everything just fell into place. And I never heard my parents talking about that stuff, much less worrying about it. I mean, sure I remember my mom sitting at the kitchen table balancing the checkbook...but beyond that, there was no thought of "how do these things get taken care of? how do we always have food in our pantry, lights that turn on, heat in our home, cars to get us here and there, etc, etc." I just knew it was taken care of. This is what I want for my child, isn't that what every parent wants? But for some reason it just hit me this morning. It won't just happen. We have to make it happen. We are the grown-ups, and we are going to be completely responsible for giving this child the best life possible. Holy crap.

Ultrasound pictures

Only about 3 weeks late...not so bad, right?? Ha ha! Thanks to Christina for the suggestion of taking a picture of the pictures in order to get them onto my computer. Otherwise I never would have gotten them on here!

All three pictures are in 3-d, a profile of the head and shoulders. Baby really likes his/her hand and you can see a hand in front of the mouth in each picture. Hmmm...perhaps we have a future thumb sucker on our hands? :) Even in the 11 week ultrasound, the baby was doing the same thing...kept sticking a hand in front of his/her face. Too cute.

I've been feeling more and more movement on a daily basis now. I usually get a couple good morning kicks when I first wake up, before even getting out of bed. Then baby gets a nice little workout just about everyday after lunch, and again in the evening. Then of course the ocassional kick here and there. On Friday I actually spent about 5 minutes during a dreadfully boring meeting just watching my belly move from the kicks. It wasn't enough for anyone else to notice, I don't think, but it was quite entertaining to me :) Hmm...someone must know I'm talking about them...there's a few more kicks! I love it!!!

Home!

I've been slacking on the blogging lately, too much running going on! Saturday afternoon we headed up to my parents' for a brief visit (we're talking about 2 hrs actually spent with the family) and my 10 year highschool reunion. 10 years. How is that even possible?! In one way it seems like highschool was forever ago, but at the same time it seems like there is no way I can be old enough to be attending a 10 year reunion! I had mixed feelings about going, but I'm really glad I did. I wasn't sure about it because, honestly, I didn't have a lot in common with most of the people I went to highschool with. I went to a Catholic school, that drew people from about a 3 county area, most of which lived in what I considered "the city" (but was probably more like suburbs really) and we just weren't into the same things. I was one of 4 or 5 people in a school of about 800 that was in 4-H, and as that pretty much defined my life for the 11 years I was in it-it just wasn't very easy to find common ground with a lot of my fellow students. I had a few close friends, don't get me wrong, but unfortunately, I lost touch with most of them after graduation. You know, you go to college, and get all caught up in the fun and excitement of the independence, the new friends, etc. So I pretty much RSVPed to this 10 year reunion with the hope of seeing those select few people that I'd unintentionally lost touch with. I knew at least that a few people I'd stayed close with would be there, so I knew it wouldn't be a total bust. Turns out...it was pretty fun! I saw a bunch of people that I'd actually forgotten all about, but it was great to catch up with them! Some of the people I wanted to see where there, others weren't (one that I really wanted to see is currently serving in Iraq, yikes-adding him to my prayer list for sure)...but all in all it was a fun time. It amazes me how everyone looks so much...the same! 10 years later, there were only one or two people that I had to look at twice to figure out who they were. The names, the memories, the friendships you had, they just all sort of come rushing back. Pretty cool. One of my friends even convinced me to join facebook...and I'm glad about that, I'm hoping I can keep in touch with the people I just "re-discovered" that way. Just goes to show I guess...sometimes its good to sort of "re-visit" the past.

Since the reunion, I've still been just going, going, going. We came home early Sunday so that we could ship off about 30 heifers (sold to a dairy in Missouri) and I was able to do a little bit of Christmas decorating and laundry. Then Monday morning I flew to Denver for work...didn't get home until Wednesday night. But now I'm HOME...and the big bonus is, no more traveling for work until well after the baby is born. Yay! For a homebody like me...that is great news!

Though with only 20 days until Christmas...I don't see life slowing down anytime soon! But its all fun stuff...decorating, sending cards, Christmas shopping, baking cookies....topped off with some good quality family time. Merry Christmas!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Ours was good-most of the day was spent "working", Kelly outside working on equipment, me inside working on the farm books and laundry (two never-ending jobs) and making my portion of the Thanksgiving meal. We had Thanksgiving at the in-laws, and I brought a pumpkin cheesecake, got the recipe from PW Cooks...somehow my stuff just never turns out as easy or as nice as Ree makes it look though! And I made rolls with cinnamon butter. Yum. The rest of the meal was made by my mother in law...that makes life easy, for sure! The brother in law and his new wife were there, along with their dog and their new puppy. The puppy found great entertainment in my mother in law's cat...a cat who does not care for dogs, but unfortunately for her, she's declawed so she had little defense against the pestering little puppy beyond hissing, growling and trying to ignore the puppy. Oh did I mention the puppy is the same size as, if not smaller than the cat, right now? It made for a pretty cute scene. Henry even got to come along...only his second trip away from home since he got hurt about 7 weeks ago. I think the excitement of being out and with people and other dogs wore the poor guy out, as he's been sound asleep on the couch most of today :) Kelly's dad, who is also our vet (quite convenient!) said that Henry is healing well. We'll get an x-ray done next week to see how the bones look (his pelvis was broken in 3 places) but it sounds like he just needs to work on getting his muscle strength back now. So we're making good progress!

All in all, a good Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for this year. Loving family, good friends, an amazing husband, our sweet Henry who is still with us after his encounter with a speeding car, our farm which is slowly but surely growing and progressing, our home, and of course, our sweet little baby who, God willing, we will meet in just 4+ months. We are SO very blessed.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Attack of the belly touchers and non-filters

So, we went to a family wedding on Saturday...one of Kelly's cousins. By the way, Kelly has approximately a million cousins and therefore family weddings-FIL is one of 16 (yes I said sixteen) children. Soooo....its a big family, and there a million cousins and a million children and actually its really fun to be part of such a big and close family. Well, once you get past the oh my gosh how am I supposed to keep all these people straight?! Because when you marry into a family that big, its impossible to know everyone and yet everyone knows who you are b/c well, you're the new person! Quite overwhelming for the first year or so, but then you get over it and realize, no I am never going to be able to keep every aunt straight (they all look alike!!) and remember which cousin goes with which aunt and uncle...but you get to know a lot of them and it turns out to be really fun.

Ok....enough of that tangent.....the belly touchers. Its interesting how people are just drawn to pregnant women. Its like there is some sort of magnetic force radiating from a pregnant belly. People feel compelled to touch it, talk to it, at least remark on it if nothing else. I sort of expected it from my MIL, from the grandmothers, even maybe aunts...but when I had a male cousin touch the belly...well that one sort of threw me for a loop! And the comments....where do people's filters go when they encounter a pregnant woman?? Out the window apparently!! "Are you planning on nursing?" (asked by a male, very manly man type of cousin) um...hello, awkward....not sure how its any of your business what I do or don't do with my breasts, thanks much!! Luckily that one was directed at Kelly, who joked it away by saying "well, not me personally, wasn't planning on it!". This next one is just great..."Did you know right away?" Also from a male, also directed at Kelly...who got the most confused look on his face and said "Um...you mean, did we know she was pregnant? Uh, yeah pretty much." The four of us at the table burst into laughter after the person left. I mean...what kind of question is that?! Why on earth does it matter to you or anyone how quickly we knew?? This was not even someone we are close to that asked this question. Just strange. I figure it was his way of trying to ask if we were "trying" or if it was a "surprise". Which of course is also a ridiculously rude question...luckily I've only gotten that from one other person so far. It just amazes me the things people think its okay to ask once you're pregnant. I know this is only the tip of the iceberg...it will be interesting to see what other comments/questions we get. One of those things you just have to have a sense of humor about I guess! Anyone else get any good ones??

How cool is this?

So when I started reading blogs...oh, who KNOWS how long ago...through the nest...or was it the knot then? Oh who knows. Regardless, I got "addicted" to a number of them...feeling like I had really gotten to "know" people through their blogs. Of course, being the shy person I am in real life, even in the blogworld, I was too shy to comment most of the time. And not having a blog of my own, I thought well geez, they're just going to wonder if I'm some sort of crazy anyway-not knowing anything about me. But a few months ago I started my own blog...and then got brave enough to start commenting on a few blogs. In the process I got to know Erin (hi Erin!!)...well, reading Erin's blog one day, she mentioned her cousin who had a baby...from reading some of her other posts I had put 2 and 2 together and knew her hubby was from the general area of Ohio that I'm originally from....and realized...no way...I KNOW her cousin! Like in real life! How COOL :) Granted...I pretty much only see Caleb (her cousin) like once a year or every couple of years at the good old county fair anymore (gotta go back for the county fair, ya know!) which is how we had become friends back in highschool, so unfortunately I'm not very close to him anymore. :( But how very cool is it that I would meet someone through blogs that has such a close relation in real life to me.... Who would have thought?!

So sweet as Erin is...she is just as excited as I am to realize our little connection and has let her blog-readers know about my little corner of the web...so HI to anybody who might have wandered over from Erin's corner. You're welcome to read anytime...I don't lead the most thrilling life but I swear I'm really nice :)

And Erin...trying to sort out the cousin thing...so if you're related to Millers...are you related to Taylors too? Like Zach and Lydia and Hannah and all them? Its such a huge family, I get so confused as to how everybody's related!!

Oh...thanks too b/c Its a Small World is now in my head....so yeah...I need to go turn on the radio or something now. LOL!!

Its a.....

....Baby!! Yep, we stuck to our plan of not finding out what we're having. I have to admit, I was tempted...but I know it'll be so much fun to find out on our baby's actual birth day! The ultrasound was great. Everything looks good, baby weighs 11 ounces, heart rate at 142, and everything measuring just right. We got the whole thing on a dvd, which I thought was pretty cool. And the tech even switched to 4-D for a little while and printed some pictures out in that mode. We have a sweet profile picture of our little's one's face, with a hand up to his/her mouth. Adorable! I wish I could scan them in to post them here...I tried on the scanner at work and they scanned really badly, you can't see anything but some black and white blobs. And our scanner at home isn't working...it doesn't communicate with our computer for some reason. Very annoying! So until I get that sorted out...I can't post the pics I promised. Sorry!

So all in all...its a great Monday! We got to see our little one and we had a beautiful snowfall this morning...big soft flakes that coated the trees and dusted the ground, so gorgeous! Welcome to winter!

Thoughts on a rainy day

Its the middle of November already, what?! Well, on the bright side, that means our big ultrasound is on Monday!! I cannot believe I am halfway through this pregnancy already, its crazy! Once I got through that first trimester, time just started flying by. And with the holidays coming up...and everything that comes with that, before we know it, we'll be in the middle of January. So much going on between now and then. We still have to finish up harvest, plenty to do there. All the first crop soybeans are in...working on doublecrop soybeans now. Not this weekend though..its raining and dreary today. Then there's still corn to shell...then it'll be time to get dry cows. For my non-farmer readers...when a dairy cow is about 2 months out from calving or "freshening" as dairy people call it, they will stop milking her. Gives her body a chance to rest, and focus on growing her calf and also they don't make as much milk after a certain point anyway. So, the local dairy farm that we raise replacement heifers for is a seasonal dairy. Which means that they breed all of their cows within about a one month window so that they will all freshen at the same time. So, come December, they dry everybody off and stop milking entirely until about mid-February. Well, when they dry everyone off, we get about half those cows...called..you guessed it dry cows! :) So in mid-December we usually get about an extra 100 or so animals on our farm...in addition to the about 120 heifers (which have also been bred and will freshen in February or March as well) that we already have. So in other words...winter is a busy time for us.

So Kelly and his brother are having a "guys night" tonight...they are off to their cousin's bachelor party. Which means, the pets and I have the house to ourselves! The house is clean, the laundry is in process, and I have a night of doing whatever I want ahead of me. I considered renting myself a chick flick to watch...might still do that...the night is young :) I really need to work on the farmbooks...that is a chore that never ends, for sure. This morning I dropped Kelly off at his brother's (who lives a whole minute away...really, he lives across the road from our farm) and got to meet their sweet little new puppy. Tragically, their dog of 4 years, Maggie (who looked just like our Henry only grey instead of red) died suddenly last week. I won't get into the details, as its quite sad..but basically it was a complete freak accident that no one could have anticipated. We will all miss her so much, she was a sweetheart of a dog and certainly part of the family. I know B&C (the brother and his new wife) were absolutely heartbroken to lose her. They have another dog as well, Shadow, who was very used to having Maggie around and seemed quite lonely as well, so earlier this week they went to the local pound and picked out a new little puppy friend for Shadow. She is very similar to Maggie (and therefore Henry), except she is a darker grey. She's the tiniest little thing and just adorable! Reminds me of Henry when he was a puppy :) They named her Maddie...it will be such fun to watch her grow into a dog. Hopefully when Henry is all better (he was hit by a car in early October...I'm not sure if I mentioned that, did I?) and able to play with her, they will get along. I think they will. But Henry is still on "house rest" until about March or April, so she'll be a lot bigger by then...better for playing :)

Here's Maggie and Henry a few years ago...Maggie is the grey one, Henry is red. They look like they're related, don't they? She'll be missed :(

Well, look what happens when I have no interruptions...I write a novel! LOL! I know by tomorrow, I will be missing Kelly like crazy, but if I'm honest, I have to admit that its sort of nice to have an evening to myself :)

I will be sure to post pictures on Monday of our little one!!

48 days till Christmas!

Its hitting me already...the Christmas spirit. I went to two stores this week that had Christmas music playing. Normally, I think, what? Christmas already? We just passed Halloween, people! But for some reason this year, I am easily getting all caught up in it. And its fun! I was really worried about how I would react to Christmas this year...what with our 'original' due date being Dec 17....for a while after the miscarriage, I would cringe anytime anyone brought up the holidays. Being that Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday...I have to say I was more than a little upset at the thought that it may be ruined for me. But being pregnant now with my sweet little "Wigglie", and having everything going well so far...has really helped. Soooo.....I've started my Christmas shopping list...and my baking list (very important, baking is a HUGE part of my holiday celebrations!)...and I'm hoping I might even get started on stuff a little early this year. We'll see, b/c I normally can't do anything "Christmas" until December...but its looking promising this year! Which is a good thing, since I have to be out of town for work for 8 days out of the first two weeks of December. Not so thrilled about that...but I'm trying/hoping to make the best of it, and if I can get started early on my holiday stuff, then hopefully I'll still have plenty of time to relax and really enjoy the Christmas spirit. :) 48 days!!

Baby names

Picking out a name for your baby is SO hard. When I was about 11 weeks, I decided it was far enough to buy some baby books. So I bought "Your Pregnancy Week by Week", which is so much fun to read with Kelly every week and learn how much our little one is changing and what to expect. And I bought something like "60,000 Baby Names" which is about 50,000 too many names, hahaha! Seriously, this book has the most random names in there...I swear they just pulled words out of a dictionary for some of these names. Salt. Bubbles. Nimrod. I'm not even kidding, its in there! Who names their child these things?? Who knows. Anyway...so for the past 6 weeks we have been going through this book, each throwing out names we like. Basically whichever names didn't get a "no" went on the list. Believe it or not we only had about 6 or 8 names per gender after all that. And none of them were really jumping out at us. I was beginning to think that "wigglie" would be called "wigglie" forever, haha! But the other night...we sat down and I told Kelly to pick out his favorites from the list. I figured that way we could at least start to narrow it down. He told me his picks and you know what? I loved them! One was a name that had been growing on me since he suggested it...and the other is a form of a name we'd been considering since long before I got pregnant. So, just like that, our baby has a name! Well...two potential names until he or she is born, I guess! And I am so in love with both of the names! So here they are internet.....
Riley Paul
Isabelle Margaret

Riley is just a name that Kelly picked and I wasn't sure at first, simply b/c a good friend of ours has a daughter named Riley...but ever since he suggested it, it has been growing on me. It is Irish, just like Kelly's name (and I am half Irish too, so I really like the idea of an Irish name)...it means "brave" which is similar to Kelly which means "warrior". Paul is both Kelly and his dad's middle name, so I definitely wanted to use that for the middle name regardless.

Isabel (we haven't decided for sure on the spelling yet) was Kelly's great grandmother's name. Margaret is my mom's name, my grandma's name, my other grandma's middle name, and my great aunt's (who I was really close to) middle name...so I really wanted to use it as well.

We had debated on telling people our names....I had always been afraid (before we picked them) of people's criticisms making me doubt our choices, and just sort of liked the idea of a surprise. But now that we have picked our names, I am SO excited about them that I just want to tell the world! And, I don't think I will care what people say, b/c I think they are perfect names, and I can't imagine our child being called anything else now. :)

First kick??

So I may have possibly felt a baby kick last night. I was lounging around watching Grey's Anatomy and felt this sort of thump, thump. It was over before I could realize what it might have been...so I tried to stay really still during the rest of the show just hoping I would feel it again and after I while I did! Another little thump, thump in the same place! I'm hoping I feel it again soon so I know for sure that its baby...but I think it was!! Yay!!

And to answer my (1) commenter's question (Hi Erin!! thanks for visiting!), nope, we're not going to find out what we're having. We, like you, want it to be a surprise :) I don't think the ILs are too thrilled that we're not finding out...MIL wants to be able to buy pink or blue, and FIL is analyzing the u/s pictures already to try to figure it out. I think it will be so amazing to find out on our baby's "birth" day though. And really, we don't care either way...we just know we are SO blessed to be having a baby, we'll take either one. Its hard to convince people of that though, everyone seems to assume we want one or the other. I don't even have a feeling one way or another. When I first got pg, I was sure it was a girl, but as time goes on I am more and more clueless, haha! When I picture the baby being here, sometime I will picture a boy, other times I will picture a girl...seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. Guess we'll see in April!

16 weeks!! And a new niece too!

So, 16 weeks already. So hard to believe! I am thrilled to be this far into my pregnancy :) We had a doctor's appt last Thursday, and everything is going great! Got to hear my sweet little baby's heartbeat on the doppler. What an amazing sound! Still keeping steady right at 160 bpm, we've got one consistent baby in there! I am feeling great now. I'd say once I hit about 14 weeks or so, the nauseau pretty much disappeared entirely. I still get tired now and then, but for the most part I have a lot more energy. Its funny how excited I got the first time I actually felt good enough to clean the house. :) I told work last week...and have told just about all of my friends at this point. Everyone is SO excited for us, especially those who knew about our loss, and I feel so very loved :) For us, I think we are both getting even more excited and this is becoming even more real. I actually had to buy maternity clothes last weekend! And wow, when I put those on, I actually have a little bump, so cool! Of course to people that don't know I'm pregnant, I'm sure it just looks like I've had a few too many doughnuts...hahaha :) Kelly is SO cute, every once in a while, he'll go, "hey you are starting to look pregnant" with this proud little look on his face, so sweet!

In other news...we have a new niece! Kelly's sister had her baby girl on Monday. We got to meet her yesterday and she is the tiniest sweetest little thing! She slept the whole time we were there, only opening her eyes once for me. She has her daddy's eyes for sure, and these adorable little chipmunk cheeks. She looks like she could store a week's worth of food in those little chubby cheeks, too cute! So I am now up to 5 nephews, 1 niece! Yay!

Slacker!

Yep, I'm a slacker. I never updated after our last u/s! But no worries, everything was perfect! We got to see our little one, (who is quite the wiggle worm by the way!) and it is amazing how much s/he has grown!! Kicking legs, waving arms, just amazing. Heartbeat of 162, and everything looking good. What a huge relief.

A few days after the u/s, I made my dreaded trip to Denver...and as far as I know, everything is still fine. YAY!!!! Nothing to make me think anything bad...and I've still had plenty of symptoms since I've gotten back, so I am going on the theory that all is well. The nausea seems to be lessening. About halfway between 10 and 11 weeks, I started to at least not feel nauseous every single day...I will have one or two good days...then a really really bad day. And I'm not quite as tired every day either...I still can fall asleep about 9:00 every night with no problem..but at least I am not feeling like I absolutely have to take a nap everyday after work. I have actually been cooking dinner! Kelly is thrilled about this new development...considering for weeks it was a sort of 'fend for yourself or I might be able to throw some quick convenience food in the oven...if you're lucky', haha!!

So being that we are now at 13 weeks. Yes, 13 weeks!! Can you believe it?! Which is pretty darn close to the official 2nd trimester (13 wks, 3 days)...we started telling people this past week. Everyone is very excited (of course)...and while its still pretty scary to me to be letting our secret out...its sort of fun too. Its strange though, we have been keeping it a secret for so long, that it almost seems more natural to us (or to me for sure) to not say anything than to actually make myself tell people. I got pretty comfortable having it just be our little secret. But I figured people are going to figure out in the next few weeks anyway...and at this point, if they find out later, they're going to really wonder why we didn't tell them (at least when we are talking about good friends/family, etc.). And while it makes perfect sense to me to wait as long as possible...it doesn't seem to make sense to other people. I've gotten a lot of, oh, it'll be fine. Yes...and you know this how exactly? Right...you don't. Realistically...I do hope that I don't have this much nervousness through my entire pregnancy. I really am enjoying and savoring every moment of being pregnant...and as each week passes, I get more and more confident and more and more excited about actually meeting my baby in April. Have I mentioned that I cannot WAIT until April??? :)

Next appointment...2 weeks from yesterday. Hoping for a doppler hearing of the heartbeat. Can't wait!!!!

When to let the world know?

Well, this is the big week. In just 3 short days, we will get to see our little one again. I am getting more and more nervous the closer it gets. Also, I am trying to decide, if everything is okay on Thursday...and we see our little one with a strong heartbeat, growing the way he/she should...when do we give people (mostly our parents) the okay to spread the word. I still really wanted to wait until we get past the 1st trimester. I know that we won't have another ultrasound...or even another chance to hear the heartbeat until my next appt at probably 15 weeks, and obviously we can't make them wait that long (for one, b/c I think people will start to figure it out by then)...so is there much point to waiting an extra 2 weeks when we won't be getting any more "confirmation" that everything is okay between this Thursday and the official end of the 1st trimester? My biggest concern is that on Monday I have to make the dreaded trip to Denver. Yes...the trip that I began to lose my first pregnancy on. Granted...I have already been to Denver with this little bean...just hadn't taken the pg test yet (but I knew I was pg and took it the day I got home) and so far as we know, this pregnancy is progressing just as it should. And I KNOW that there is no reason not to go...that everything should be fine. Doesn't stop me from worrying. So I'd kind of like to wait until after that. And I really thought it would be no problem to just make our parents wait until we hit 13 weeks to tell people...however I know that the ILs are getting ridiculously impatient (to the point of MIL making a comment on Friday that she "has all her friends praying for me" Um..you what?! How are all your friends praying for me if I TOLD you not to tell anyone?!?). Also, when I mentioned that we had an u/s on Thursday, FIL said, "So will that be the big coming out date then? Can we tell people?" "No, I'd still like to wait until the end of the first trimester", I said. His response: Well, isn't that only like another week...12 weeks, right? My reponse: Nope, its technically 13 weeks, 3 days. His response: eye rolling. So, like I said...they are impatient. But you know what, this is my baby, my pregnancy, and I will let people know when I am ready. B/c if something happens...I am going to have to be the one dealing with the comments...the people who heard the good news but not the bad. And I don't want to have to run that risk. I think my mom is hoping to tell people after this ultrasound too...b/c she was talking about how she didn't know how she would make it through until then. Sometimes I think we should have waited to tell anyone at all....but I don't think I could have hid it from all of them...what with the nausea, exhaustion, and not being able to do certain things (stain the front porch, drink champagne at the little wedding celebration on Friday, etc.). And it has been nice to have at least my mom's support. The ILs, honestly, have been more annoying than anything b/c even though they say the "get it" when it comes to how nervous we are due to our previous loss...it is obvious in so many ways, that they don't.

So what to do...do we let the word start spreading starting on Thursday (assuming all goes well...see, I can't even type things without adding the "if" in...when will this uncertainty and fear go away?!). Or do we wait...and make our impatient parents wait...an extra 2 weeks so that we are technically in the long sought after "2nd trimester"? What to do....

Double digit weeks!

So I thought I'd be better at updating this...not so much. But yesterday we hit 10 weeks. Seems like a big milestone to me! Of course I am still constantly wondering how I KNOW everything is still okay. I mean, sure, I feel nauseous pretty much everyday at this point (still haven't thrown up, yay!) and I am exhausted by mid-afternoon (sometimes earlier)...but still.... Luckily, our next ultrasound is one week from yesterday. The time is flying by!

Tomorrow is my SIL's baby shower, she is due Oct 23...and was 7 weeks ahead of me in my first pregnancy. I am so grateful to be pregnant now...I was really afraid of how I would get through her shower if I wasn't pg yet. I just pray that this pregnancy continues and our little one keeps growing strong and healthy...then we will have a shower of our own in a few more months!

In other news, my BIL is getting married today! Just a quick courthouse wedding...and no, she's not pregnant or anything. They were already engaged and planning a wedding for Sept 2009. However, she is going back to school this fall and doesn't qualify for financial aid on her own, and they can't afford the tuition, but apparently if they are married, then she can qualify. Also, she can get on his health insurance, which she needs b/c she didn't even have any until recently and is now buying her own (which is expensive b/c she she has pre-existing conditions). So its pretty much all just for the legality...and they will still have their big wedding next fall. Kind of interesting...and definitely took us by surprise...but I suppose it makes sense.

So, a big weekend for the in-laws all around!

In farming news...silage is coming along nicely. Kelly got a lot chopped before the rain started...and now the rest will have to wait until next week when the rain lets up again. In the meantime, maybe I can put him to work inside the house, since I have been too sick and too tired to accomplish much myself! :)

Nine Weeks

Wow. 9 weeks. Hard to believe we are that far already. Granted...I'd still like to fast forward right into the 2nd trimester, but I am so grateful that we are this far already. The last couple of weeks have gone really fast, so I'm hoping it continues that way. We have our next appointment, which includes the nuchal translucency scan in 2 weeks. So I am really excited to see our little one again! They also said we could actually hear a heartbeat then. yay!

Oh...and when we told the parents...they were thrilled! I think they really liked the way we told them, I know both moms really liked their little photo books and their first pictures of the baby! I think they were all a little disappointed that they had to keep it a secret for a few more weeks, but they understand why. My mom is already being overprotective of me...and my MIL is already buying things. Oh boy...here we go!!!

We have a heartbeat!!

It was THE most amazing thing I have ever seen. Our little tiny baby (who looks like a little bean at this point) and his/her tiny little flickering heartbeat. Ok, so I didn't actually recognize the flicker...Kelly said he did, but I don't know if he was just saying that. But the tech for sure DID see it...and she gave us a little printout to show it...and said it is 160 bpm. Which she said is good. She said everything looks good and normal! When she said there was a heartbeat, I just couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I got a lump in my throat when she first started looking...I was so scared...I could feel my heart beating a million miles a minute....and then she said "There's a heartbeat" and the amount of relief that flooded over me was just immense. We had the same U/S tech that we did when we confirmed our m/c...so she understood the amount of relief we had...and joy. She is so sweet. She said "I am SO happy for you guys."...and when I was crying, she said "Those are tears of joy." Oh yeah....SO MUCH JOY. I get teary just thinking about it now!

And to top it off....we get to tell our parents tonight!! I'm so excited to share our wonderful, amazing news with them! Mom and Dad should be at my house when I get home from work...and then we are going to Kelly's parents for dinner (they invited us, so I don't think anyone will suspect anything). I am hiding their 'gifts' in my purse...and will give them to each mom at dinner. They are "photo books" that will fit in their purses...and they can put pics of the baby in them (and their other grandkids)...and they each have a poem inside that is "from the baby". My mom's says "Great moms get promoted to Grandma" and his mom's says "Good times, Grandkids". I can't wait to give them to them! Oh!! And since we got printouts of our ultrasound yesterday...I made copies of them and put their very first pictures of the baby in there!!

I love this baby more and more everyday :) We are so incredibly blessed.

Today is the day!

Its here! The day we get to see our little one. I am so unbelievably nervous. I have no reason to think anything bad...other than the fact that the last time I had an ultrasound it was to confirm a m/c. I pray to God that we see a strong heartbeat today and that everything is measuring on time.

Hello morning sickness

6 weeks, 4 days. This is the part where I get really nervous...b/c this is when the spotting started last time. So far so good on this one though. Overall, this pregnancy has been so different from the first one. I actually have symptoms this time around! Which is quite reassuring...even if I do feel like I could puke at any moment. Yep, the m/s kicked in at 5 weeks on the dot with some on and off nausea/queasiness. That was not so bad. I was so happy to have something to make me feel like baby is okay in there, that I actually welcomed that. And a bit of queasiness is really not so bad. Today we seem to be crossing into the next "stage" of the morning sickness.....the part where I actually feel like I could puke. I'm hoping I can just hold steady at this stage until the m/s as a whole disappears but we'll see. I'm really not looking forward to the idea of actually being sick....lets not think about that right now. Ugh.

This weekend we went camping with some friends, which was great! It was nice to get away and take my focus off of the whole pregnancy thing and just spend time having fun with friends. We went out on our friends' boat, which I was a little nervous about. I was afraid it would make my nausea worse, but believe it or not, I actually felt BETTER when I was on the boat?! Kind of strange, but it was okay with me. It was so relaxing and really fun. I'm certain that all our friends know something is up, since I was just about the only one not drinking. But the great thing about this particular group of friends (Kelly's college roommates and their wives) is that nobody says a thing when someone else is not drinking. Sure everybody knows the probable reason, but nobody asks. Last summer when we had this get-together (it is an annual thing, a sort of "college reunion") there was another girl who wasn't drinking...people noticed, but nobody said anything. This year, she and her husband brought their 4 month old baby girl with them. :) I'm hoping we will be able to do the same for the next reunion! I'm hoping that we, and another couple in the group who just did IVF...will both be able to bring our little ones to next year's get together!! I don't think we could ask for much better than that!

5 weeks!

5 weeks down...35 weeks to go! So the reality of being pregnant again has sunk in and I am SO excited! The first few days I was really really nervous and not really letting myself get too excited or plan too much. But I realized that you know what, there is no point to that. Because I was still getting so unbelievably attached to this baby anyway. And this baby deserves that...he or she deserves my total excitement and love. And being scared and putting up walls to try to avoid the pain we had when we lost our first pregnancy is not helping anything. So I changed my attitude and decided that I am going to be positive about this pregnancy. We WILL have a baby in April (well, maybe March if the little bugger decides to come early!). We are absolutely thrilled...and yes, we are still both nervous...I still have my moments of fear and concern (which I'm sure I will have for this little one for the rest of my life! welcome to life as a mom, right?) but overall I am very optimistic about this pregnancy.

I did go in to the doctor's office for bloodwork and an appt with the nurse last Friday. Which went great. The nurse was so sweet and understanding of my concern and even let me schedule an ultrasound for my first appointment!!! Usually you don't get an U/S on your first appt at my doctor's office...but since she knew I was so worried, I get one early. YAY! So in 2 weeks from today we will get to see our little one...I'll be exactly 7 weeks which should be far enough to see a heartbeat. I am so excited and the next 2 weeks cannot go fast enough!!! I think that seeing a heartbeat will do wonders for my stress level, I really think we'll feel a lot more confident once we see it.

In the meantime, stay safe in there and keep growing little one!!! :)

BFP!

Yep, I'm pregnant! It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I've been pretty sure for a few days...but just took a test last night. Its strange how different this time around is already. This time I have more fear than anything else. I want to be so excited, and I am so excited...but I am so very nervous that something might go wrong with my little one. I pray constantly that this little one is healthy and I will hold her in my arms in 9 months. (yes, I felt like the last one was a boy and I feel like this one is a girl, don't ask me why, I have no idea)

I'm calling the doctor's office today and hoping to get in soon. I'm also hoping they might let us see our little one and/or do something to reassure us a little earlier this time around, given the fact that I've already had one m/c. I am trying to be positive and for the most part I feel good about this pregnancy. I pray that this is it and this will be the child I get to raise. I love this baby so much already :)

A test in patience

So here we are...trying again. 2 weeks into our first cycle trying since we lost blueberry (that was the size the baby was a week or two before we lost him/her and the name just stuck with us). And everyday I seem to be at one end or the other of the 'optimism spectrum'. One day I am thinking, yep, this is it, I'll be pregnant by the end of the month. The next day I'm thinking no way is it going to work this month. I can't remember if I had this extreme back and forth the last time or not. I think last time I was more positive than anything else. The last few days I have just been annoyed with my body...I chart, and my temps were practically flat for about 4 days, other than one spike up...which at the time I thought yes, ovulation! Until it plummeted back to the same temp the next day that it had been for the previous 2 days. So then I thought well, maybe the thermometer is broken! So I took my temp during the day and nope...doesn't appear to be broken. But today we did have a temp rise...so if we can just keep that up the next couple of days, I'll be confident that I actually did 'o' yesterday. Which would be more or less on track for me anyway, cd 13. IF that is correct, then I'm pretty pleased with our timing too...so in theory we could/should have a good shot at this month. We'll see...in about 2 more weeks. For an impatient person...all this waiting is just so very frustrating! I think this might be one of the things God is trying to teach me...patience. Between the usual waiting during the 'trying' cycles...and then the 2 cycles we had to wait after the m/c...not to mention the almost 6 months we had to wait to start trying in the first place (thanks to my awesome immune system that kept me from getting chicken pox as a child so that I then had to be vaccinated for it as an adult...what a pain!)...I'm thinking that this is God's way of saying 'Be patient. Put your plans aside and just let me take care of things.' I'm trying God, honest...

Fears

I've always been a worrier. I've always been afraid of bad things happening. Since I lost my baby however, fear has been taken to a whole new level. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it and grips me like I can't believe. The last couple of days I had been so happy. Truly happy for one of the first times since the miscarriage, and definitely for the longest stretch of time since then. It was so refreshing and such a huge relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I was seeing things in a whole new light. I actually thought to myself, maybe this is it, maybe this is the turning point where the happy days start outnumbering the sad days. I figured since it had been 2 months now, and also since we are now clear to TTC again...maybe that was where the feeling of happiness and optimism is coming from. I thought, Thank God, b/c I was not liking this sad, distant person I had become. Then I went to the grocery store yesterday. And the sadness jumped at me from around every aisle. Babies. Pregnant women. Everywhere. I wanted to cry right there in the frozen food section. I wanted to run out of the store and hide. I could feel myself slipping back into that fog...where its all I can think about and I'm on the verge of tears at all times. I finished my shopping, went home...made it through the evening and went to bed. Thankfully, when I woke up this morning I felt like the happy me was back. Back to the happiness, the optimism. Ok...just a temporary hiccup, I thought, I'm still okay. I'm still SO excited about trying again this month and the possibility of being pregnant soon. Great! Yay!

Then I get called into a meeting at work. Still fine. Until the upcoming business trip is brought up. To Denver. At the end of the month. I've known about it since April...I've been preparing myself for it...I was beginning to think I might even be okay with it. (Background: The last business trip I made to Denver I was just over 6 weeks pregnant...when I was there I started spotting and cramping...it was the beginning of the end. My doctor insists flying and being in a high altitude city had nothing to do with the m/c. I'm still terrified to go there the next time I'm pregnant, but I can't get out of it b/c it is a critical aspect of my job and I am required to go there every 3 months.) So...back to today's meeting. My co-workers start discussing Denver...and the fear, it hits me. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can go there. How am I going to get on a plane when even though everyone insists to me that flying did not cause my m/c, I just can't shake the feeling that it did. How can I go to a city in which the most awful thing happened to me. What if I am pregnant again when I go. How can I get on that plane with another new life inside of me knowing that the last time I got on that plane my first baby was safe, secure and alive inside of me, but he didn't come home that way. How can I do that?! How can I take that risk? I know, I know...the flight and the high altitude location probably had nothing to do with losing that pregnancy. But tell that to the worrier inside of me. Because that part of me is too afraid to take that risk with another baby. Yes, I might not even be pregnant on this next trip out there. But that doesn't mean I won't be for the trip 3 months from now. Or the trip 3 months from then. Eventually...assuming I can get pregnant again...I am going to have to get on that plane with a tiny little life inside of me, who is depending on me to keep him or her safe and alive. How am I supposed to do that? I just don't know....

Blog changing direction

Well, it looks like this blog is changing directions. It started as a way to 'document' my first pregnancy for family, friends that are farther away. Since that pregnancy didn't last...I don't really need the blog for that purpose. Yes, it has taken me two months to get brave enough to come back to this...I just didn't think I could read my posts from when I was pregnant, so optimistic and naive. But I'm back now...and we'll see how this blogging thing works out. I'm not sure what direction it might take now. I think it'll turn more towards just a personal outlet, as I've now discovered that the emotions, fears, concerns and anticipation of trying to have a baby have completely changed now that we've been through the pain of a miscarriage, and there are very few people IRL that I feel like I can really talk to about it. I'm not sure anyone will even read this...but at least it will allow me to get my thoughts out. So here we go....trying to make the best of a sad situation.

6 weeks!

Well, today is 6 weeks already! The baby is the size of a sweet pea! Which I love that description b/c that's what Mom calls me :) And now this is MY sweetpea!! Last week (5 weeks), it was the size of an appleseed. Kelly and I kept calling it "the appleseed"... So tiny!

I still feel GREAT! Pretty much no symptoms at all. Some evenings I get tired as soon as I get home...most evenings I just hit a wall about 9:00, but I can live with that. Oh, and I'm drinking water like crazy, which is very unusual for me. Other than that, I'd never know anything was going on in there.

I had my first appointment on April 14, just with a nurse. She filled out a ton of paperwork, and she was really excited b/c I didn't have any risk factors...she said that's really rare. That has to be a good thing! Then they took like all the blood I had in my arm. Ok, so it was like 10-12 vials or something...seemed like a lot at the time! I go back on May 6, and actually get to meet with the doctor this time. I think they'll just go over my bloodwork, do a basic exam...not much else. I asked specifically if we'd see a heartbeat or anything, and the nurse said no, so Kelly's not going to go with me yet. He definitely wants to go when we get to start seeing or hearing anything, which I'm hoping will be the appointment after this one!!

This whole thing is still so surreal to me. Especially since I don't really FEEL anything...but they SAY that the nausea kicks in around week 6...so that could change real quickly! We'll see.

Now if we can just get Mom and Dad to come visit us, so we can TELL them in person...we'll be set. I'm going to keep working on them!! I got the gifts we're going to use to tell both sets of parents yesterday....I think they're going to love them. They're cute and practical for both grandmas!! So I can't wait to give them, and to have someone to share our most exciting news ever with!!!

First Post!

So here's my/our first attempt at a blog! Yeah, the title says its both of us, but let's be realistic. It'll just be me (shellie) writing. But I figure this will be a great way for our families and friends to follow along with the growth of our new little one, even though we're all kind of spread out. Of course at this point, no one even knows about the little one...its just our little secret for a couple more weeks!! When people do find out, they can catch up through what will then be old posts. :)
So here we go on our newest adventure! Because you know, building a farm from the ground up wasn't a big enough adventure for us anymore...we had to make it a little more exciting! :)