Bittersweet Christmas

Today is December 17th. I know that date doesn't mean anything to most people. But to me, it will always have significance. Today is the day our first baby would have been due. That baby never had a name, we used to call him (I was convinced it was a boy) whatever "fruit" he was the size of each week. The last name we had for him was Blueberry...so in my mind, that has sort of stuck. Blueberry would have been born this week. Or maybe he would already be here. We would have an extra stocking hung for him. I probably wouldn't be baking cookies this week because I'd either be uncomfortably pregnant or I'd have a newborn taking up all my time. I'd probably be on maternity leave, or close to it. My family would be coming to us because we'd have a newborn, rather than us going up there this weekend. We'd have TWO babies at my in-laws on Christmas day, our niece and our own little one. We'd be having our first Christmas as a family of three. But Blueberry is having his first Christmas in heaven. And we are having Christmas as a family of two. And that's okay. It is. Because next Christmas, God willing, we'll have an 8 month old baby. I am THRILLED that I am 24 weeks pregnant today. I would not trade this baby inside of me for anything. I don't want anyone to think, for even one minute, that I am anything but so incredibly grateful for this life, this absolute miracle, that I have inside me. But at the same time, the thought keeps occurring to me...we could have had a baby already for this Christmas. I find myself wanting to include Wigglie (our baby) in Christmas...I want to acknowledge that we are almost a family of 3. And I don't know if that is out of a desire to sort of "make up" for the fact that at one point we thought we'd have an "outside baby" this Christmas...or if its just truly out of my excitement that Wigglie will be a part of our family soon. I like to think its just out of pure excitement, and impatience for NEXT Christmas, when we will have a little one crawling around, playing with wrapping paper, watching the lights. But when I'm honest with myself I know its partly because I have this little feeling that something is missing this Christmas. This holiday season is much less painful than I expected it to be. And I know that is all thanks to Wigglie, who is growing strong, kicking momma everyday and who we love with ALL our hearts. I'm enjoying Christmas, the season that I have always loved...its just a little bittersweet this year.