First of all, thank you all for your sweet words and thoughts. And for understanding. Reading your comments, your prayers, make me feel a lot better just to know that others are thinking of and praying for my babies. And while I know that all we can do is follow the doctors' instructions and hope and pray that all turns out well, it makes me feel better for someone else to acknowledge that yes, its OKAY that I have these fears, I'm not just being overly paranoid and Jess-what you said about not having to believe it'll be okay for it to BE okay...just what I needed to hear. So really..Thank you all.
On to the news!! We have confirmation...one little boy and one little girl! I am so excited! Another little boy...a little brother for my Bug to have adventures with, for me to get out all his cute little clothes that I so carefully boxed up in the hopes of using again...and a little sister for him to "protect", for me to do the few "girly" things that I like to do with, and to put in all those precious little girl clothes I always see on that mysterious "other side" of baby stores! My family, who has 7 grandsons and zero granddaughters, is in shock that there can possibly be a baby girl. Both my mom and my sister had the same reactions when I told them...the conversations basically went like this: Them: So did you find out what they are? Me: Yep...what do you think they are? Them: Two boys of course. Me: You're half right. Them (in complete disbelief): What? There's a girl????
It was really pretty hilarious. My sister went on to say "But, we won't know what to do with a girl!!!" I told her that she can just play with her brothers' tractors at first and we'll figure out the girly stuff as we go along :)
Most importantly...both babies look perfectly healthy, thank God. Baby boy (previously known as Baby A) is still breech and Baby girl (Baby B) is head down...so she was happily kicking her brother in the head during the ultrasound. I'm sure there is plenty of that to come in the years ahead! For now, he didn't seem to mind. One of them has found a new fun game of "dance on Mommy's bladder". Oh boy, that's a fun time. They're getting more and more active for sure! And bigger! I feel like I've really popped out over the last week or so. I hadn't felt like I was that much bigger than I was at the same point in my pregnancy with Bug until just recently. But the doctors are happy with my weight gain and the size of the babies, so we're good! I have a feeling I will get to experience that "miserable" part of pregnancy this time around, even if I go early again!
Baby Girl's pink shoes came the same day that we found out for sure that it is one boy and one girl. Perfect timing. They're precious. And so very...pink. But we had to put them away because Bug, who just LOVES shoes, wanted to wear them until I pulled out the pair that was actually for him. Which he now wants to wear every evening around the house, and had a meltdown about me taking the shoes off of him so that he could take a bath the first night.
This weekend Bug and I are going to stay inside and keep warm (highs in the 40s, lows in the 20s, brrrr). And Saturday night we'll head over to the neighbors, aka Kelly's brother's house, for Bug's cousin C's 1st birthday party. Up until about a month ago Bug and C went to the same sitter, so they saw each other every day. I'm sure they're going to have lots of fun playing together again!
Happy Friday all!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Random Deep Thoughts for a Monday
Remember when I first found out we were having twins? And I was terrified? And I honestly thought for a while "Why me?" I've done a complete 180. I now find it completely normal to be having twins. As in, I can't fathom the idea of having only one baby the second time around. Pregnant a second time? Why of course you'd have twins, what else is there?? Every once in a while I'll still look at a family with say, a toddler and then one single baby and think, "hmm, I wonder what that would be like?" but there's no envy like there was before, there's no, "why do they get to have one at a time and I get two?" Instead its more like "Oh how great that they have a new baby, and I get TWO of those in one shot, even better!" This morning as we were getting ready in our itty bitty kitchen, I watched my Bug running around in his footed pjs, chasing after Daddy, getting underfoot, "helping" get things out of the fridge and I thought to myself how I can't wait until we have three little ones to maneuver around in our itty bitty kitchen. I find it interesting how quickly my mindset changed and how quickly these two, who aren't even close to being here yet, wiggled their way into my heart and into my mental picture of my family. I used to pray every night for God to watch over all 3 of us. My prayers now are for all 5 of us, without hesitation.
The downside of that? I'm terrified. No, not terrified of having two newborns to deal with (though if I'm honest, I still have panicky moments about that, I won't lie!) Instead, I am terrified of losing them. One of them, both of them. I remember being nervous when I was pregnant with my Bug. I had a previous miscarriage at 7 weeks and of course I also knew of so many things that could go wrong later in a pregnancy. But I eventually got to a point where I felt confident and for the most part trusted that yes, I would take a healthy baby home with me when it was all said and done. To be fair, I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant until I was well past the first trimester and I don't think I bought a single thing until after the 20 week ultrasound. So I guess the fact that I'm not even 20 weeks along at this point and am still nervous isn't all that strange in that light. But I feel a lot more nervous about these two than I remember being the last time. I pray to God that it doesn't "mean anything"...that its just me being my normal paranoid self. But then I remember my friend from college who had twins very very early...I can't remember exactly, but I want to say she was about 27 weeks. Their little boy lived, their little girl died, and they are extremely lucky that their son survived. And I remember another friend's sister, whose water broke unexpectedly, right after her 20 week ultrasound which had shown two perfectly healthy babies, a boy and a girl. Obviously she lost them both. I mean, these are real people, you guys! Not just people I read about online or heard about on the news. People I know. That scares me. And yes, my sister's twin boys are 8 years old, perfectly healthy and only arrived 5 weeks early and only had maybe a week of NICU time. And yes, I hear about twins all the time who are perfectly healthy and fine. But there's certainly no guarantee. Yes, I know, there's no guarantee for anything in life. Even for one baby. It just seems that the risks are so much higher when there's two. I'm extremely grateful though, that my doctors are treating me as high risk. Even when I tell my friend who just had her second full term baby that I will be really really excited if these babies stay in until March at all, when they're due March 23rd...and she responds with "Really? You think they'd come that early??" in total disbelief...(Um, hi, March 1st would be 37 weeks...have I introduced you to my 35 weeker who was a singleton pregnancy??) Even when my other friend who is also pregnant with twins and due only a few days before me, finds it strange that I'm seeing a peri in addition to my regular OB and that I am having so many extra ultrasounds, because she is being treated like a completely routine pregnancy. She gets two ultrasounds, no more, sees her regular OB, no one else, hasn't been told to make any changes to her routine and is back to exercising regularly. Sometimes I wonder if I, or my doctors, are overreacting to this pregnancy. But I am certain of this much...if the extra monitoring, the extra resting, the weekly injections..if any of it, helps my babies get here healthy and close to term, it will be worth it. And if I didn't do it all, and something happened? I could never forgive myself. Of course I have to remind myself of that when my little boy is begging Mommy to pick him up and carry him...or when I decide I have to get a dozen different things done in a weekend by myself.
I just don't know. Maybe, hopefully, I'm just being overly paranoid. I wish I could just let go and relax and feel certain that I'll bring home two healthy babies in March. I wish I could be comfortable buying them things without the thought crossing my mind of "What if I buy this, and something happens to one or both of them, and then I have to look at these "twin things" in my house??" I hate that thought process. So far I've bought two things. I bought a second toddler robe in addition to the one that the Bug is getting for Christmas (they were on major sale!), so that the twins won't fight over the one when it is passed down to them. And I bought a girlie pair of shoes. They were on sale, and I was already buying a boy pair and I could save on shipping too if I bought them both! Kelly's response? "Counting our chickens before we hatch, are we?" Which he meant as "What if one of them isn't actually a girl like we think it is, then what will you do with girl shoes??" but I took as "Its too early to buy things for them because what if they don't make it." Ugh. By the way, he felt really, really bad when I told them that was how I took his comment because he really didn't mean it that way at all. When will I get over this? Probably not until they're born. I'm hoping once I make it to at least 30 weeks or so I will start to relax. Sorry for all the paranoia, freaking out thoughts here...but I can't seem to be able to talk to anybody about this. I always get "Oh, they'll be fine" in a tone of voice that is so obviously blowing me off and thinking I'm slightly psycho for even worrying about it. I can't talk to Kelly about it because he worries too and his way of dealing with that worry is to not think about the possible bad things. He gets really upset when I mention things that could go wrong, and the last thing I want to do is upset him and cause more stress for him.
Those are my way too deep thoughts for a Monday. If you made it this far, I'm impressed, and thanks for "listening" to my rants. I'll reward you with a more upbeat post this week, promise. :)
By the way, Wednesday morning is the "big" ultrasound. YAY!
The downside of that? I'm terrified. No, not terrified of having two newborns to deal with (though if I'm honest, I still have panicky moments about that, I won't lie!) Instead, I am terrified of losing them. One of them, both of them. I remember being nervous when I was pregnant with my Bug. I had a previous miscarriage at 7 weeks and of course I also knew of so many things that could go wrong later in a pregnancy. But I eventually got to a point where I felt confident and for the most part trusted that yes, I would take a healthy baby home with me when it was all said and done. To be fair, I didn't tell anyone that I was pregnant until I was well past the first trimester and I don't think I bought a single thing until after the 20 week ultrasound. So I guess the fact that I'm not even 20 weeks along at this point and am still nervous isn't all that strange in that light. But I feel a lot more nervous about these two than I remember being the last time. I pray to God that it doesn't "mean anything"...that its just me being my normal paranoid self. But then I remember my friend from college who had twins very very early...I can't remember exactly, but I want to say she was about 27 weeks. Their little boy lived, their little girl died, and they are extremely lucky that their son survived. And I remember another friend's sister, whose water broke unexpectedly, right after her 20 week ultrasound which had shown two perfectly healthy babies, a boy and a girl. Obviously she lost them both. I mean, these are real people, you guys! Not just people I read about online or heard about on the news. People I know. That scares me. And yes, my sister's twin boys are 8 years old, perfectly healthy and only arrived 5 weeks early and only had maybe a week of NICU time. And yes, I hear about twins all the time who are perfectly healthy and fine. But there's certainly no guarantee. Yes, I know, there's no guarantee for anything in life. Even for one baby. It just seems that the risks are so much higher when there's two. I'm extremely grateful though, that my doctors are treating me as high risk. Even when I tell my friend who just had her second full term baby that I will be really really excited if these babies stay in until March at all, when they're due March 23rd...and she responds with "Really? You think they'd come that early??" in total disbelief...(Um, hi, March 1st would be 37 weeks...have I introduced you to my 35 weeker who was a singleton pregnancy??) Even when my other friend who is also pregnant with twins and due only a few days before me, finds it strange that I'm seeing a peri in addition to my regular OB and that I am having so many extra ultrasounds, because she is being treated like a completely routine pregnancy. She gets two ultrasounds, no more, sees her regular OB, no one else, hasn't been told to make any changes to her routine and is back to exercising regularly. Sometimes I wonder if I, or my doctors, are overreacting to this pregnancy. But I am certain of this much...if the extra monitoring, the extra resting, the weekly injections..if any of it, helps my babies get here healthy and close to term, it will be worth it. And if I didn't do it all, and something happened? I could never forgive myself. Of course I have to remind myself of that when my little boy is begging Mommy to pick him up and carry him...or when I decide I have to get a dozen different things done in a weekend by myself.
I just don't know. Maybe, hopefully, I'm just being overly paranoid. I wish I could just let go and relax and feel certain that I'll bring home two healthy babies in March. I wish I could be comfortable buying them things without the thought crossing my mind of "What if I buy this, and something happens to one or both of them, and then I have to look at these "twin things" in my house??" I hate that thought process. So far I've bought two things. I bought a second toddler robe in addition to the one that the Bug is getting for Christmas (they were on major sale!), so that the twins won't fight over the one when it is passed down to them. And I bought a girlie pair of shoes. They were on sale, and I was already buying a boy pair and I could save on shipping too if I bought them both! Kelly's response? "Counting our chickens before we hatch, are we?" Which he meant as "What if one of them isn't actually a girl like we think it is, then what will you do with girl shoes??" but I took as "Its too early to buy things for them because what if they don't make it." Ugh. By the way, he felt really, really bad when I told them that was how I took his comment because he really didn't mean it that way at all. When will I get over this? Probably not until they're born. I'm hoping once I make it to at least 30 weeks or so I will start to relax. Sorry for all the paranoia, freaking out thoughts here...but I can't seem to be able to talk to anybody about this. I always get "Oh, they'll be fine" in a tone of voice that is so obviously blowing me off and thinking I'm slightly psycho for even worrying about it. I can't talk to Kelly about it because he worries too and his way of dealing with that worry is to not think about the possible bad things. He gets really upset when I mention things that could go wrong, and the last thing I want to do is upset him and cause more stress for him.
Those are my way too deep thoughts for a Monday. If you made it this far, I'm impressed, and thanks for "listening" to my rants. I'll reward you with a more upbeat post this week, promise. :)
By the way, Wednesday morning is the "big" ultrasound. YAY!
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