BFP!

Yep, I'm pregnant! It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I've been pretty sure for a few days...but just took a test last night. Its strange how different this time around is already. This time I have more fear than anything else. I want to be so excited, and I am so excited...but I am so very nervous that something might go wrong with my little one. I pray constantly that this little one is healthy and I will hold her in my arms in 9 months. (yes, I felt like the last one was a boy and I feel like this one is a girl, don't ask me why, I have no idea)

I'm calling the doctor's office today and hoping to get in soon. I'm also hoping they might let us see our little one and/or do something to reassure us a little earlier this time around, given the fact that I've already had one m/c. I am trying to be positive and for the most part I feel good about this pregnancy. I pray that this is it and this will be the child I get to raise. I love this baby so much already :)

A test in patience

So here we are...trying again. 2 weeks into our first cycle trying since we lost blueberry (that was the size the baby was a week or two before we lost him/her and the name just stuck with us). And everyday I seem to be at one end or the other of the 'optimism spectrum'. One day I am thinking, yep, this is it, I'll be pregnant by the end of the month. The next day I'm thinking no way is it going to work this month. I can't remember if I had this extreme back and forth the last time or not. I think last time I was more positive than anything else. The last few days I have just been annoyed with my body...I chart, and my temps were practically flat for about 4 days, other than one spike up...which at the time I thought yes, ovulation! Until it plummeted back to the same temp the next day that it had been for the previous 2 days. So then I thought well, maybe the thermometer is broken! So I took my temp during the day and nope...doesn't appear to be broken. But today we did have a temp rise...so if we can just keep that up the next couple of days, I'll be confident that I actually did 'o' yesterday. Which would be more or less on track for me anyway, cd 13. IF that is correct, then I'm pretty pleased with our timing too...so in theory we could/should have a good shot at this month. We'll see...in about 2 more weeks. For an impatient person...all this waiting is just so very frustrating! I think this might be one of the things God is trying to teach me...patience. Between the usual waiting during the 'trying' cycles...and then the 2 cycles we had to wait after the m/c...not to mention the almost 6 months we had to wait to start trying in the first place (thanks to my awesome immune system that kept me from getting chicken pox as a child so that I then had to be vaccinated for it as an adult...what a pain!)...I'm thinking that this is God's way of saying 'Be patient. Put your plans aside and just let me take care of things.' I'm trying God, honest...

Fears

I've always been a worrier. I've always been afraid of bad things happening. Since I lost my baby however, fear has been taken to a whole new level. It sneaks up on me when I least expect it and grips me like I can't believe. The last couple of days I had been so happy. Truly happy for one of the first times since the miscarriage, and definitely for the longest stretch of time since then. It was so refreshing and such a huge relief. I felt like a weight had been lifted and I was seeing things in a whole new light. I actually thought to myself, maybe this is it, maybe this is the turning point where the happy days start outnumbering the sad days. I figured since it had been 2 months now, and also since we are now clear to TTC again...maybe that was where the feeling of happiness and optimism is coming from. I thought, Thank God, b/c I was not liking this sad, distant person I had become. Then I went to the grocery store yesterday. And the sadness jumped at me from around every aisle. Babies. Pregnant women. Everywhere. I wanted to cry right there in the frozen food section. I wanted to run out of the store and hide. I could feel myself slipping back into that fog...where its all I can think about and I'm on the verge of tears at all times. I finished my shopping, went home...made it through the evening and went to bed. Thankfully, when I woke up this morning I felt like the happy me was back. Back to the happiness, the optimism. Ok...just a temporary hiccup, I thought, I'm still okay. I'm still SO excited about trying again this month and the possibility of being pregnant soon. Great! Yay!

Then I get called into a meeting at work. Still fine. Until the upcoming business trip is brought up. To Denver. At the end of the month. I've known about it since April...I've been preparing myself for it...I was beginning to think I might even be okay with it. (Background: The last business trip I made to Denver I was just over 6 weeks pregnant...when I was there I started spotting and cramping...it was the beginning of the end. My doctor insists flying and being in a high altitude city had nothing to do with the m/c. I'm still terrified to go there the next time I'm pregnant, but I can't get out of it b/c it is a critical aspect of my job and I am required to go there every 3 months.) So...back to today's meeting. My co-workers start discussing Denver...and the fear, it hits me. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of, I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can go there. How am I going to get on a plane when even though everyone insists to me that flying did not cause my m/c, I just can't shake the feeling that it did. How can I go to a city in which the most awful thing happened to me. What if I am pregnant again when I go. How can I get on that plane with another new life inside of me knowing that the last time I got on that plane my first baby was safe, secure and alive inside of me, but he didn't come home that way. How can I do that?! How can I take that risk? I know, I know...the flight and the high altitude location probably had nothing to do with losing that pregnancy. But tell that to the worrier inside of me. Because that part of me is too afraid to take that risk with another baby. Yes, I might not even be pregnant on this next trip out there. But that doesn't mean I won't be for the trip 3 months from now. Or the trip 3 months from then. Eventually...assuming I can get pregnant again...I am going to have to get on that plane with a tiny little life inside of me, who is depending on me to keep him or her safe and alive. How am I supposed to do that? I just don't know....

Blog changing direction

Well, it looks like this blog is changing directions. It started as a way to 'document' my first pregnancy for family, friends that are farther away. Since that pregnancy didn't last...I don't really need the blog for that purpose. Yes, it has taken me two months to get brave enough to come back to this...I just didn't think I could read my posts from when I was pregnant, so optimistic and naive. But I'm back now...and we'll see how this blogging thing works out. I'm not sure what direction it might take now. I think it'll turn more towards just a personal outlet, as I've now discovered that the emotions, fears, concerns and anticipation of trying to have a baby have completely changed now that we've been through the pain of a miscarriage, and there are very few people IRL that I feel like I can really talk to about it. I'm not sure anyone will even read this...but at least it will allow me to get my thoughts out. So here we go....trying to make the best of a sad situation.