Learning to trust

It seems there's always something I'm thinking about or wanting to do. Usually some big exciting idea in my head and while I usually am longing for it, its often something along the lines of "It would be great IF I could do *insert idea here* but realistically...it probably won't happen anytime soon". So it becomes this far off wonderful thing I'm going to do someday and boy how I can't wait for that day...but at the same time its far off enough that I sort of am in a "safe zone" where I can dream about it but don't have to realistically think about ok, how is this going to actually WORK? Am I making any sense? Examples: Buying a farm, having a baby, staying home with said baby, having another baby. And somehow I have a hard time just "trusting" that it will all work out. Even though, thus far, it has.

My whole life all I've wanted to do is marry a farmer, be a stay at home mom with 3 kids, live on a farm in small-town Ohio. Yep, I'm pretty darn close to my dream. Its a little scary and also hard to believe, considering I grew up on 5 acres in a subdivision. Another story for another time, perhaps. Regardless...here we are. We got married at 23 and always knew we wanted kids. Being that we were still fairly young, we said, oh in about 2 years. After being married for about a year, only one more year seemed awfully close...so the answer to "When are you going to have a baby?" continued to be, oh in about 2 years. Married 2 years...gee...maybe in another year or so. Just far enough away to not have to really think about "how do we pay for this?". And so on.

Then we bought a farm...which we sort of just jumped into without thinking TOO hard about. Somehow we've made the mortgage payments for almost 5 years already and its all worked out...and we've even managed to build barns (yes, I still owe you pictures of our new barns, I know!) and do some expanding. Sometimes I'm not sure just how it all has worked out, but it has :)

After a few years, we decided we weren't getting any younger and the "baby fever" was kicking in, so rather than keep worrying and trying to crunch numbers and make it seem perfect, we decided to jump in headfirst. About 18 months, 1 miscarriage, an easy-peasy pregnancy and a pre-term birth later...we had our little Riley Paul. One year later, we're still afloat and somehow even comfortable even with all those expenses I'd been so worried about before. And of course, I couldn't even IMAGINE life without my little Bug! What was I so worried about before?

Now here we are faced with more decisions. Baby #2? We definitely want Riley to have siblings. We both grew up with one sister and one brother each and while we may all have our "challenges" with our siblings (who doesn't?!) and we both had very very different relationships with them growing up - Kelly is an oldest child (and you can tell!) with a sister 2 years younger and a brother 5 years younger than him, and I'm the baby of my family (and you can tell!) with a sister 10 years older and a brother 8 years older than me. Two totally different family dynamics, but neither of us would trade our siblings for the world and we want Riley to have those experiences too. But the question of course, is When?? My Bug was not what I'd call an "easy baby" by any means, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm pretty nervous and scared to go through that newborn phase again. And to do it with a toddler running around too? Um, HOW exactly am I supposed to do that?! I loved being pregnant, so I'm somewhat looking forward to that part, but I'm also extremely nervous about the possibility of another preemie, given my history with Riley. Maybe this time we wouldn't be as lucky as we were with him, maybe Baby 2 would need NICU time...there's just so much unknown. And then back to the how the heck do I handle a newborn with a toddler? But of course, people do it all the time..so why couldn't I? Its just a matter of jumping in headfirst again, I guess. And not thinking about the scary parts (too much) or the cost (too much).

Speaking of costs...decision #2 to be made. Being a stay at home mom. Well, sort of. I guess I'd technically be a "work at home" (or work on the farm actually) mom. Something I've dreamed about my whole life...a big part of why we postponed having kids so long in the first place. Because we wanted to get to a point where I could stay home with them. When I finally accepted that just wasn't going to happen, and I'd have to work at least until we had a second child, I was ok with it, but definitely not happy about it. And when it came time to leave my baby boy with someone else (even if it is someone I trust completely and who loves him like he's her own), I was definitely not happy about it. It breaks my heart some days to leave him. :( So we decided I'd stay home after he got to be about a year old (oh gee, look at that...he just had a birthday) or when we had Baby #2 (see previous paragraph about decision #1, haha!). Now, somehow...things are potentially falling into place for that to happen. Isn't that amazing when that happens? I know who's responsible for it...God...but wow...it still amazes me and sometimes seems almost too good to be true. True faith and trusting in Him (as you can see by this entire post) is something I still need to work on a bit...

But we have an opportunity coming up. Something we'd considered before but the timing hadn't been right. Somehow, this opportunity knocked on our door (ok, technically it called Kelly's cell phone) a couple of weeks ago. And then another opportunity (which we'd also considered previously, but back to that silly timing stuff again) called-ok, actually that opportunity stopped by the house one afternoon. :) The second opportunity is something which you would, at first glance, think is counterproductive to the idea of me staying home. But the numbers are being crunched...the ideas are being thought out and talked about. The possibilities are being considered. And it just may work. So much that, Kelly actually told me the other night "If this all works out, you need to be prepared to quit your job in the next few months." I need to WHAT? Wow. Well. Um. Gee. All of the sudden, I think I like my job. (Except that literally, like 2 weeks ago I was dreaming about quitting and staying at home, so I'm pretty sure this is a form of "cold feet"). Now there are still quite a few details to be worked out. Timing. Health insurance (buying your own is expensive! one of the joys of being self-employed). Nothing's certain yet...but it is looking much, much more POSSIBLE than it ever has before. And suddenly, I'm getting really, really nervous. I know that this is the same as all our previous "big decisions". Its something we talk about and hope for and dream about and then when it comes down to it, I start to chicken out. Thankfully I have a husband who doesn't get as nervous as I do and holds my hand while we jump in headfirst. And thankfully we obviously have someone up there watching out for us, because otherwise, we'd never be where we are today.

So, if you could, maybe say a prayer for us that we make the right decisions? And that He continues to provide for us and guide us in the right directions? Thanks :)

And as a reward for reading my ramblings. A preview of the birthday party pictures.
Yes, more pictures and a summary of the big party to come, I promise!! This weekend perhaps? First I'm off to a much anticipated girls weekend :) 5 best friends, 7 kids under the age of 4, all in one house for a day and a half. Hmmm...doesn't sound as relaxing when you put it that way. Oh but it will be, if nothing else after the kiddos go to bed and we break out the wine :) haha!! Happy Friday everyone!